Reclaim Your Power: Overcome People Pleasing in Midlife

In this guide we will explore how to overcome people pleasing in midlife, offering practical steps to help reclaim your time, energy, and sense of self.

Ask yourself the following questions?

1. Have you ever said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”?
2. Have you ever avoided conflict by agreeing to something you didn’t actually want to do?
3. Do you feel anxious or guilty when you think about saying no to someone?
4. Have you noticed that you rarely ask for help, even when you’re overwhelmed, because you don’t want to inconvenience others?
5. Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval or worrying about what others think of you, even at the expense of your own happiness?
6. Do you often put others’ needs ahead of your own, even when it leaves you feeling drained or resentful?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions then you, my friend, are most probably a people pleaser! If so, you are not alone. I am a people pleaser. I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. My mother is a people pleaser, my siblings are people pleasers, my partner is a people pleaser and my daughters are people pleasers. I have unique insight into this pattern that can take a serious toll on your well-being. I know how it can leave you drained, resentful, and disconnected from your true self.

And Im here, today, to tell you that you can overcome people pleasing. It’s time to stop saying “yes” out of obligation and start living in a way that truly honors who you are. If you’ve been struggling with people-pleasing, this could be the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for.

Unpacking the Habit: Why People-Pleasing Persists

People pleasing is more than just a habit. Its a deeply rooted behavior and it sucks! My people pleasing behaviors used to leave me bitter and exhausted.

People pleasing is caused by a number of psychological, social, and emotional factors

• Fear of Rejection: A strong fear of being disliked or rejected can drive people to please others in order to gain acceptance and avoid negative judgments.
• Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may believe that their value is tied to how much they can do for others. This leads them to prioritize others’ needs over their own.
• Childhood Experiences: Growing up in an environment where love and approval were conditional—based on performance, obedience, or care for others—can lead to people-pleasing behaviors in adulthood.
• Desire for Control: Pleasing others can be a way to maintain control over social situations by avoiding conflict and keeping relationships harmonious.
• Perfectionism: The belief that you must always be perfect and meet everyone’s expectations can drive people-pleasing, as you try to avoid any criticism or disapproval.
• Empathy and Sensitivity: Highly empathetic and sensitive individuals may feel a strong need to alleviate others’ discomfort or unhappiness, leading them to put others’ needs first.
• Social Conditioning: Cultural and societal norms often encourage people, especially women, to be accommodating, nurturing, and selfless, reinforcing people-pleasing behaviors.

My people pleasing stems from a combination of these factors. My mother is a people pleaser, so I learned the behavior from her. I suffered from low self esteem and perfectionism for many years. I’m a very empathetic person. This trait was great for writing history essays back in my school days but it can be extremely draining, second guessing everyone else’s thoughts and emotions.

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How Society Shapes Female People-Pleasers

While many men are people pleasers, it tends to be more prevalent in women. We really do get all the “good stuff”, don’t we! Some studies have shown that as many as 50% to 70% of women report engaging in people pleasing behaviors regularly. Society teaches us from a young age to be nurturing, agreeable, and accomodating.

In a US study on conformity to feminine norms, researchers recently listed the most important attributes associated with “being femine” as being nice, pursuing a thin body, showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities, being domestic, caring for children, investing in a romantic relationship, keeping sexual intimacy contained within one committed relationship, and using our resources to invest in our appearance.

Basically, we have to be willing to stay as small, sweet, and quiet as possible, and use our time and our talent to look pretty. Our dreams, ambitions, and gifts are unimportant.

Brene Brown – Daring Greatly

Think about how often a woman is labeled as “difficult” or worse, a “b****,” simply for refusing to conform to societal expectations. It’s no wonder many of us choose to stay sweet, small, and “womanly”—it feels safer to fit the mold.

By the time we have reached midlife we have had years of putting others first. This may be in our roles as mothers, partners, or professionals. This relentless focus on others can lead to a loss of personal identity and a diminished sense of self-worth. In midlife, as we navigate transitions like career changes, aging, or empty nesting, the urge to please others can intensify, leaving us feeling stretched too thin. Understanding why you people-please is the first step towards breaking free from this cycle and reclaiming your authentic self.

Spotting the Warning Signs of People-Pleasing

Identifying people-pleasing behaviors is crucial to breaking free from them.

The main behaviors are:

• Seeking Approval: People-pleasing involves prioritizing others’ approval and validation over your own needs and desires.
• Fear of Rejection: It often stems from a deep fear of rejection or conflict, leading you to agree with others to avoid negative outcomes.
• Overcommitment: People-pleasers frequently say “yes” to requests, even when it overwhelms them, because they fear disappointing others.
• Neglecting Self: This behavior leads to consistently putting others’ needs above your own, often resulting in burnout or resentment.
• Avoidance of Conflict: People-pleasers tend to avoid expressing their true feelings or opinions to keep the peace. This can mean compromising their own well-being.

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? I certainly did—I could check every box. For years, I didn’t even realize I was engaging in these patterns. I vividly remember the moment it hit me, about five years ago, while watching a video and practicing emotional freedom technique (EFT).

It felt like a sledgehammer had hit me, and I was overwhelmed with tears. That simple video made me realize I had a deep-seated struggle with saying “no” to people. In fact, my way of avoiding the discomfort of saying “no” was to avoid people altogether.

But knowledge is incredibly powerful. Through EFT, I began to understand my subconscious programming. Once I recognized these patterns, I knew I could start making changes. It was the beginning of reclaiming my ability to set boundaries and take control of my life.

Empower Yourself: How to Overcome People-Pleasing in Midlife

Breaking free from people-pleasing involves taking intentional steps to prioritize your well-being and assert your needs confidently.

Step 1: Set Clear Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is essential for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. Boundaries act as guidelines that define what you are comfortable with and how you want others to treat you. They help protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being, allowing you to focus on what truly matters to you. Setting boundaries can be as simple as respectfully declining requests that overwhelm you. For example, if someone asks for a favor that you can’t commit to, try saying, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to help this time,”. Or “That doesn’t work for me right now, but I hope you find the support you need.” Remember, saying “no” doesn’t make you unkind; it makes you honest and respectful of both yourself and others. So the next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do ask yourself:

Would I prefer the discomfort of saying “no” or the resentment after saying “yes”?

Believe me, it makes saying no easier.

Step 2: Prioritize Your Needs

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for a balanced and fulfilling life. When you prioritize your own needs, you’re better equipped to show up authentically and wholeheartedly for others. Start by identifying what truly brings you joy, peace, and satisfaction. Then make a conscious effort to incorporate these things into your daily routine. Whether it’s setting aside time for a hobby, ensuring you get enough rest, or pursuing personal goals, honoring your needs sends a powerful message that you value yourself.

For me, it’s the time I spend with my horse. It’s not just about riding—it’s everything involved in caring for my horse. Being outside in nature, staying active, and taking a break from the hustle and bustle of daily life allow me to reset. Some weeks, I don’t even ride! Instead, I do what feels right in the moment, without letting others dictate how I should be spending my time with my horse. This is my way of honoring what truly fulfills me, and it reminds me that my needs matter.

Remember, in the long run, self-care not only enhances your well-being but also allows you to contribute more positively to the lives of those around you. You are no use to anyone if you are burnt out or in hiding from others.

Step 3: Practice Self-Compassion

Overcoming people-pleasing involves being gentle and forgiving with yourself as you navigate new behaviors and mindsets. Embrace self-compassion by acknowledging that it’s okay to have limits. Because you deserve the same kindness you readily offer others. When feelings of guilt arise after asserting your needs, remind yourself that taking care of yourself is essential and benefits everyone involved. Try using affirmations like, “My needs are important,” or “It’s okay to take time for myself.” Treat yourself with the same understanding and patience you would offer a close friend facing similar challenges. This practice will help reduce self-criticism and build inner resilience.

One of the toughest challenges is silencing our inner critic. I’m not sure I will ever be fully free from mine. Now though, through tapping and affirmations I’m able to manage that nasty little voice that feeds my guilt, and tells me I’m not good enough. I can recognize the negative words and stop it before it before it spirals out of control. It takes some practice but it is possible.

Step 4: Start Small

Making significant changes can feel daunting, so begin by taking small, manageable steps toward reducing people-pleasing behaviors. Start by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, such as declining minor requests or expressing a differing opinion in a friendly conversation. Celebrate these small victories to build confidence and reinforce your ability to assert yourself. Gradually, these small changes will compound, creating a ripple effect that makes it easier to tackle more challenging scenarios. Remember, progress is a journey. Every step you take moves you closer to a more authentic and empowered version of yourself. If you slip up and say yes when you wanted to say no, go back to step 3 and practice self-compassion. It’s not the end of the world!

Step 5: Seek Support

You don’t have to go through this transformation alone. Seeking support from others can provide encouragement, accountability, and valuable insights. Consider connecting with friends or family members who understand and respect your journey toward setting healthier boundaries. Joining a support group or community, whether in-person or online, can also offer a safe space to share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges. Additionally, working with a coach or therapist can provide personalized guidance and strategies tailored to your specific needs and circumstances. I can provide EFT sessions so feel free to reach out to me. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals will make the process of overcoming people-pleasing more manageable and enriching.

By implementing these steps, you can gradually break free from the cycle of people-pleasing. You can embrace a life that honors your true self. Remember, change takes time and patience. However, every effort you make towards setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs is a meaningful investment in your well-being and happiness.

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From People-Pleasing to Personal Empowerment

Overcoming people-pleasing is a transformative journey that allows you to reclaim your power and live a more authentic, empowered life. When you stop prioritizing others’ expectations over your own needs and desires, you begin to align your actions with your true self. This shift fosters a deep sense of self-respect and confidence. So you no longer feel compelled to conform to others’ demands.

As you embrace your authenticity, you’ll notice profound long-term benefits. Mentally, you’ll experience less anxiety and stress because you’re no longer burdened by the constant need to please others. Your relationships will improve as well, becoming more genuine and mutually respectful, as you attract people who appreciate you for who you truly are. Overall, this newfound empowerment enhances your well-being. This, in turn will lead to a more balanced, fulfilling life where your needs and values are at the forefront.

A Personal Reflection on Progress

I’m not sure I will ever fully conquer my people-pleasing tendencies, and that’s okay. Overcoming deeply ingrained habits doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to recognize that progress is a journey, not a destination. I still feel the overwhelming urge to please, especially when meeting new people or in situations where I want to make a good impression. However, I now understand that the urge to please is just one option among many, not an obligation. Recognizing that saying “no” is a valid choice has been a revelation for me. It’s something I can actually consider without guilt or fear.

When I find myself automatically saying “yes” to things, I’ve learned to pause and reflect. I ask myself, “Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I’m afraid of letting someone down?”. This simple question has been a powerful tool for breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being mindful and intentional with my choices. I remind myself that it’s okay to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to move forward with greater awareness.

Living this way is incredibly empowering. It has given me the freedom to prioritize my own needs and to make decisions that align with my values and well-being. I’ve learned that every time I choose to honor my true self, I’m not only growing stronger, but I’m also creating a life that is more authentic and fulfilling. And while the journey to overcome people-pleasing may have its ups and downs, each small victory builds confidence and resilience. Remember, it’s not about erasing the tendency to please, but about finding balance and making choices that reflect who you really are.

Embrace the Journey: Taking the First Step Towards Change

If you’re on a similar journey, know that it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate the small wins, be gentle with yourself in moments of struggle, and trust that you are capable of change. Each decision to put yourself first is a step toward a life where your needs and happiness are just as important as those of the people around you.

I encourage you to take the first step today by identifying one area in your life where you can stop people-pleasing. Whether it’s saying “no” to a request that doesn’t serve you or setting a boundary that protects your time, small changes can lead to significant transformations. I’d love to hear your thoughts—what’s one thing you plan to change to overcome people-pleasing? Share your experiences and insights in the comments below!

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