The Cycle of Shame: Why You Feel Stuck (And How to Break Free)

So you’ve done something you feel guilty about…

You missed a deadline. Snapped at someone you love. Said yes when you meant no—again. It’s a small moment, and on the surface, it might not seem like a big deal. But hours later, it’s still echoing in your mind.

You feel that familiar tug of guilt. But then it lingers. It gets louder. That inner voice starts in with the usual lines: Why do I always do this? What’s wrong with me? I should know better by now. Before you know it, you’re spiralling—replaying the moment on a loop, feeling smaller each time.

That’s not just guilt anymore. That’s shame.

And when this happens over and over—when every small mistake becomes a reason to question your worth—it can turn into something more ingrained. A pattern. A cycle. One that can quietly shape the way you see yourself.

It’s not always loud. Often, it’s just a weight you carry in the background. But it’s there. And it’s more common than most of us realise.

I know, because I’ve been there.

I’ve been quietly battling shame for most of my adult life. It doesn’t always roar—it often whispers. For years, I didn’t even realize how much it shaped the way I spoke to myself, the choices I made, or the way I showed up in relationships. But naming it was the beginning of changing it. And if you’re here, reading this, that might be the beginning for you too.

Shame vs. Guilt: Why It Matters

Before looking at the cycle of shame it might help to understand what shame actually is—and how it differs from guilt.

Guilt is the feeling you get when you believe you’ve done something wrong. t’s linked to a specific action—something you said or did (or didn’t do). And while it’s not a pleasant feeling, it can actually be useful. Guilt can give you a nudge to reflect, make amends, or do things differently next time. It’s uncomfortable, yes—but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Sometimes it’s just a sign that you care.

Shame, in contrast, doesn’t focus on what you did—it targets who you are. Shame doesn’t say, “I did something bad.”
It says, “I am bad.”

Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown, known for her work on vulnerability and shame, describes shame as:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

The difference between guilt and shame matters deeply. Guilt can push us to grow, but shame? Shame keeps you stuck. It cuts you off from your own sense of worth. It’s that quiet voice that tells you you’re not enough—not lovable, not capable. And to avoid feeling it again, you might find yourself hiding, people-pleasing, or shrinking just to stay safe.

And the thing is, this doesn’t just affect how you feel in the moment. It starts to shape how you see yourself. What might begin as a bit of self-criticism turns into a loop—one that can run in the background for years without you even noticing. That’s the cycle of shame. It’s subtle, it’s heavy, and for so many of us, it’s been there for a long time.

If you want to dig deeper into guilt vs shame, I’d recommend The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. I’ve read it more than once. Her honest, no-fluff approach really helped me make sense of how shame works—and how to start loosening its grip. She brings both clarity and humor to a topic that’s often heavy, and she does it in a way that feels real and doable.

What Is the Cycle of Shame?

The cycle of shame is a self-perpetuating loop that keeps you trapped in feelings of unworthiness and self-blame. Understanding this cycle is the first step toward breaking free.

1. Trigger

Something happens—a mistake, a misunderstanding, a moment where you feel like you’ve let someone down. It stirs up guilt or discomfort.

2. Negative Self-Talk

Instead of meeting the moment with understanding, your inner critic takes over:
“I always mess things up.”
“I’m such a failure.”
“Why can’t I get it right?”

3. Emotional Overload

Those thoughts pile up and before long, the emotions kick in—shame, anxiety, that sinking feeling in your stomach. You might feel numb, disconnected, or just emotionally wiped out.

4. Risky or Destructive Coping

To get some relief, you might turn to behaviors that numb or distract.
Sometimes it’s more obvious—like drinking too much, self-harm, or disordered eating.
Other times, it’s more subtle but just as draining:

• Throwing yourself into work to feel useful
• Avoiding people or situations you’re anxious about
• Retreating inward and shutting down
• Talking to yourself in ways you’d never speak to someone else

These might bring short-term comfort, but they tend to lead right back to more shame—and regret.

5. Reinforcement

Because nothing really got resolved, the shame eventually bubbles back up—often stronger than before. And the cycle starts again, sometimes with a new trigger, sometimes with the same old one.

This doesn’t mean you’re broken or beyond help. It means you’ve been doing your best with the tools you had at the time. And now, you’re starting to notice the pattern—which means you can start to shift it. That alone is a powerful step toward healing.

What the Cycle of Shame Looked Like for Me

I know this cycle well. For years, I played the part of the confident, bubbly one. Outgoing, easy to talk to, always up for a laugh. But under that, I was battling something quieter—crippling social anxiety. I didn’t know how to sit with it, and I definitely didn’t know how to talk about it. So I drank. At first, it was just to relax a little. But “a little” often turned into a lot.

Alcohol helped me lose my inhibitions—and sometimes my memory, and my ability to stay upright. I’d wake up the next morning with the horrors. Cue the spiral. The shame would hit hard. I’d replay everything I could remember, beat myself up all week, and swear I’d never do it again.

Then the weekend would roll around. Someone would remind me of something embarrassing I’d done the weekend before—usually with a laugh. And just like that, the shame would take over again. So I’d drink, to dull it. One drink led to ten. And the cycle continued.

Looking back, it was all there:

• The trigger: fear of not fitting in, of being seen as too much or not enough.
• The negative self-talk: Why can’t I just be normal? What’s wrong with me?
• The emotional overload: anxiety, dread, self-disgust.
• The destructive behavior: drinking to cope, which only made things worse.
• The reinforcement: more shame, more silence, and the belief that something was deeply wrong with me.

It took time, honesty, and support to start seeing that this wasn’t just “bad behaviour”—it was a learned way of managing pain. And it wasn’t the truth of who I was.

If any part of that feels familiar, know this: you’re not alone. The cycle of shame is deeply human. And the fact that you’re starting to notice it? That’s the beginning of something new.

Steps for Letting Go of Shame

1. Name It Without Judgment

Shame loses power when it’s named. Saying, “This is shame I’m feeling,” creates space between you and the feeling. You’re not being shame—you’re experiencing it. That small shift matters.

Try this:
“This feels like shame. I don’t have to run from it—I can stay curious.”

2. Respond with Curiosity, Not Criticism

Shame usually shows up with a harsh inner voice. It tells you you’re the problem. That you’re too much, not enough, or just wrong in some fundamental way.

The first shift? Noticing it. Naming it without jumping on board.

You might ask:
“Whose voice is this?”
“Would I ever say this to someone I care about?”

Then, try getting curious—not critical.
“What was I really feeling in that moment?”
“What did I need, but didn’t know how to ask for?”

This kind of questioning doesn’t fix everything overnight, but it creates a little space—and sometimes that’s all you need to stop the spiral.

3. Let Yourself Rest

Shame loves to tell you that you have to earn your worth. That if you’re not constantly doing, proving, or fixing, you’re falling behind.

Rest goes against all of that.

Letting yourself pause—not because you’ve checked everything off your list, but because you’re human—is an act of quiet defiance. It’s how you start rewriting the story that says you’re only valuable when you’re useful.

4. Connect with Someone Safe

Shame wants you to keep quiet. It tells you you’ll be judged, misunderstood, or rejected if you speak up.

But the truth is, when you share what you’re feeling with someone who can hold it—without trying to fix it—you take the power out of shame.

You don’t have to spill everything. Sometimes just saying, “I’m struggling today,” is enough.

As Brené Brown says:

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

How EFT for Shame Can Help

Shame lives in the body as much as the mind. It’s not just a thought—it’s a sensation. A tightening in your chest, a sinking in your stomach, a weight on your shoulders that says, “Don’t be seen.”

That’s where EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) comes in.

EFT is a gentle, body-based practice that combines tapping on acupressure points with affirming phrases. It helps calm the nervous system and create space between you and the emotional overwhelm. In simple terms, it helps you feel safe enough to feel what you’re feeling—without getting lost in it.

When it comes to shame, EFT can help you:

• Acknowledge the feeling without judgment
• Soften the grip of self-criticism
• Reconnect with compassion and self-worth
• Gently release old beliefs like “I’m not enough” or “I should be better than this”

You don’t have to fight shame. You don’t have to pretend it’s not there. With EFT, you simply make space for it to move through—and eventually, move on.

In the video below, I’ll guide you through a short tapping practice to help you begin releasing the emotional weight of shame. You don’t need to get it perfect. Just follow along and see how your body responds.

Even the smallest moment of relief is a step toward freedom.

A Final Thought: You’re Not Alone in This

If shame has been part of your inner landscape for a long time, it makes sense that it might feel familiar—even protective. But familiar doesn’t mean forever. The truth is, you can learn to meet those painful moments with something different. Something softer. Something kinder.

You can begin to notice the pattern. To name what’s happening without spiraling. To respond to your pain with presence instead of punishment.

Whether it’s through tapping, reflection, or simply pausing to ask “What do I need right now?”, every small step counts.

You haven’t failed by feeling shame. You’ve simply been carrying more than your share of the weight.
And you’re allowed to put it down now.

If this resonates and you’d like support on your journey,
Download the free [Limiting Beliefs Workbook] to start uncovering and releasing the quiet stories that have kept you small.