Unlock Your True Potential: How to Define Your Core Values

Ever feel like you’re living someone else’s life, making choices that don’t truly align with who you are?

If you’re constantly saying yes to others and no to yourself, it might be time to take a closer look at your core values. When you define your core values, you unlock the key to living more authentically, making decisions that reflect what truly matters to you. In this post, we’ll walk you through why your values are so important, how to identify them, and how living by them can transform your life into one of purpose, confidence, and fulfillment.

My Wake-Up Call: Discovering My True Values

Four years ago, I picked up a book that would change my life—The Values Factor by Dr. John Demartini. I followed the exercises, and almost immediately, I began to feel deeply uncomfortable. This book was forcing me to look inside myself, to probe the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, and I didn’t like what I was finding. Rather than face those unsettling truths, I started to question the validity of the book and the author himself. Dr. Demartini seemed pompous, a know-it-all. I asked myself, Am I really going to take advice from this guy?

It was easier to question him than to question myself, so I cast the book aside. But I had inadvertently opened Pandora’s box, and I couldn’t quite fit the lid back on. I denied it for a while, trying to hide from the truth, because I didn’t want to face it. It was too painful. But eventually, I couldn’t hide any longer.

I had to accept it: My highest value was… drum roll, please… work. It was what I lived for. My dad had been a workaholic, and I had always resented it. And yet here I was, living the exact same way. What had happened to the little girl who spent her days with her nose in a book, dreaming of becoming a famous author? She had been forgotten while I was living someone else’s life.

Armed with that painful knowledge, I vowed to make a change, and I began to define my core values.

What Are Core Values….And What Are They Not?

Core values are the guiding principles that shape our behaviors, decisions, and how we relate to the world. Whether we realize it or not, our values influence everything—from the relationships we maintain to the career paths we pursue. In my case, my core values were personal growth, empathy, and family, but they had been overshadowed by a work-first mentality.

Core values aren’t just social idealisms. Social idealism is when society tells us how we should act, but it doesn’t necessarily align with what we truly believe. For example, you might think you should save for a rainy day because that’s what you’ve been taught. But if you’re always spending money, it’s a sign that this value isn’t yours—it’s a societal ideal, not a core value. Core values come from within. They reflect what truly drives your decisions, not what others or society expect from you. Understanding this difference is key to living authentically.

Why It’s Important to Define Your Values

Defining your core values is essential because they serve as the foundation for every decision you make, shaping how you live and interact with the world. Without clear values, it’s easy to feel lost, constantly second-guessing your choices and struggling with internal conflict. When your values aren’t defined, you may end up prioritizing others’ needs or societal expectations, leaving you feeling disconnected from your true self.

By identifying and living by your core values, you

• gain clarity,
• have less stress,
• create stronger boundaries,
• make decisions with confidence,
• set and achieve meaningful goals,
• find your purpose
• live a more authentic life

Signs You’re Not Living in Alignment with Your Values

One of the clearest signs that you’re not living in alignment with your values is a constant feeling of disconnection or unhappiness. For years, I felt like something was off. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. No matter how hard I worked, it never felt like enough. Of course, I was always stressed. And even worse, I started to drift away from my friends and family.

It took time to realize what was happening. I was stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, constantly putting others’ needs before my own. I was seeking approval, but my choices weren’t aligned with what truly mattered to me. This led to burnout, resentment, and feeling lost. Once I began identifying and honoring my own values, everything shifted. I finally started to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Signs You’re Living By Someone Else’s Values

You hear yourself using the following phrases:

• I should be doing this
• I ought to be doing that
• I am supposed to be doing this
• I need to do that
• I must do this

You experience the ABCD’s of negativity:

• Anger and Aggression
• Blame and Betrayal
• Criticism and Challenge
• Despair and Depression

How to Define Your Core Values (Step-by-Step Guide)

Step 1: Reflect on Peak Experiences

Think back to the moments when you felt truly happy and fulfilled. These experiences hold clues to your core values.

• What were you doing?
• Who were you with?
• How did you feel?
• What activities or moments made you lose track of time because you were so engaged?
• What accomplishments or experiences are you most proud of?
• What moments made you feel deeply connected to others

These moments reveal what matters most to you.

Step 2: Identify Times of Conflict

Now, reflect on times when you felt frustrated or out of alignment.

• What was happening?
• Did you feel like someone or something compromised your beliefs or values?
• What decisions did you make that didn’t feel right?
• How did you react to conflict?
• What recurring themes or patterns in conflict keep surfacing in your life?

These questions can help reveal where your values may have been compromised.

Step 3: Create a List of Values

Thirdly, make a list of values that resonate with you. Some examples might be authenticity, empathy, or personal growth. Pick five to ten values that feel most true to who you are. Remember if you say “should”, “ought to” or “have to” its most likely someone’s else’s value.

James Clear has a great list of common core values on his website that you can use to help you with this exercise.

Step 4: Prioritize Your Values

Now that you have a list of values, narrow it down to five. This is important because if everything is a core value, nothing is a priority. Start by asking yourself which values are non-negotiable. Which ones guide your decisions every day? Think about tough choices you’ve made. What values did you rely on during those moments? Focus on the ones that bring you the most fulfillment. Then, eliminate any values that feel like “nice-to-haves” rather than essentials. By doing this, you’ll clearly see which values truly drive your actions.

Living by Your Values

Once you’ve defined your core values, it’s time to take action. Use your values as a filter for every decision. For example, if balance is a top priority, say no to extra work that takes away from your personal time. This helps you stay focused on what matters most instead of letting outside demands control you.

Then, set boundaries based on your values. By doing this, you avoid people-pleasing and protect your well-being. If independence is one of your key values, carve out time for yourself—even if it means saying no to others. These boundaries help you stay true to yourself and prevent burnout.

Your values also guide you in setting the right goals. Make sure your goals reflect what truly matters to you, not what you think you should accomplish. For example, don’t set a goal to live abroad if your top value is family. Even though it might seem exciting or like something you’re “supposed” to do, it could pull you away from the people you value most. Instead, focus on goals that align with your core beliefs and bring you closer to what truly fulfills you.

Finally, keep your values front and center every day. Use tools like journaling or daily affirmations to stay aligned with what’s important. By doing this, you ensure that your actions reflect your values.

Final Thoughts

Defining your core values doesn’t always mean making drastic changes to your life. Often, the changes are subtle but powerful. For example, I still work hard—it’s one of my core values—but now I place equal importance on the other values that matter to me, like family, creativity, and learning. I’ve made space for them in my life, and it’s made a world of difference. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog-to honor the little girl who dreamed of being an author.

If you’re ready to start living in alignment with your own values, take the first step today. Reflect on what truly matters to you, and begin to make small changes that bring your life into balance. Share your top core value in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’re using it to guide your life!